Borderline and others

Miho

Active member
Messages
103
Tonight I struggle. Every day I feel lonely but tonight its hitting me harder. I am never going to find someone but my brother is finding love again. I am happy for him but sad for myself.

Makes me think that I am as low on the scale as can be.

Maybe I dont even deserve any of it. And I should stop complaining. Just get on with the other plans I have and be brave for once.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Messages
979
I know how you feel, genuinely. I will say that you absolutely deserve to find someone to make you happy, you do. We all do. There is someone out there, I truly believe that, and you will find her eventually. In the meantime, focus on you and start pushing your projects forward. The distraction is a huge help and once you get going it'll help improve your feelings a bit because you'll have something to focus on. It's how I get by, but it doesn't stop those low days. It just makes them a little bit easier to cope with. One step at a time, though, we'll get there!
 
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Miho

Active member
Messages
103
Thanks. I am doing my best. My projects give me joy and distraction. But I have bitten off more then I can chew.

Damn I am 41 now and only one relationship that lasted a few years. I dont think I have lots left in me.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Messages
979
Thanks. I am doing my best. My projects give me joy and distraction. But I have bitten off more then I can chew.

Damn I am 41 now and only one relationship that lasted a few years. I dont think I have lots left in me.
Take your time, it doesn't matter if your projects are up and running tomorrow or six months from now, they should always be in your own time frame. If there's something that's a bit of a stumbling block, take a break from it, focus on something else, and come back to it with a fresh perspective. You'll get there!

I understand, totally. 41 isn't bad, but I'm in the same boat relationship wise, I have such a hard time opening up and connecting with people that relationships are extremely difficult for me. I've mentioned the woman that's currently living in the house with me, and how attracted I am to her, but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about any of it because I get anxiety and close myself down. I'd give anything to be with her, but I also don't want to ruin our friendship because of selfish needs and my own inability to open up properly and talk to her. It's torturous seeing her every day and knowing that, even though she's right there, she's a million miles away at the same time. I'm equally worried that, if anything ever did happen there, she'd leave me immediately because I'm a horrible person and not emotive enough for a relationship. So believe me, I understand how hard it is to want that connection, that partnership and not have it. I do believe it will happen for both of us, truly, it just has to be the right person! It will happen, though!
 
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Miho

Active member
Messages
103
Great reply. Thanks. I keep thinking about your situation. And i wish you could get a sense of what she think of you. You deserve to be happy trust me.

I am struggling to keep going again. People dont talk to me online (apart from PGen) unless i talk about Light hearted things.
So there is no room for me to be myself unless in private. So if People dont care of dont want to be around me when i am like this. Why bother? Hell i hate myself more then anyone else could ever hate me. So Why still hope People Will talk to me, be friends with me. Love me? I need to find a way to kill my hopes and Dreams.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Messages
979
Great reply. Thanks. I keep thinking about your situation. And i wish you could get a sense of what she think of you. You deserve to be happy trust me.

It'd be nice, but I don't think she feels like I feel, and I don't want to screw up our friendship over my own selfish needs, so...just not meant to be.

I am struggling to keep going again. People dont talk to me online (apart from PGen) unless i talk about Light hearted things.
So there is no room for me to be myself unless in private. So if People dont care of dont want to be around me when i am like this. Why bother? Hell i hate myself more then anyone else could ever hate me. So Why still hope People Will talk to me, be friends with me. Love me? I need to find a way to kill my hopes and Dreams.

I'm always here and I'll always chat with you, about anything. There are others that will, as well, I'm certain. As far as hating yourself -- I've got that covered, too https://www.thelifespot.net/threads/when-you-realize-maybe-youre-just-a-horrible-person.366/ -- so I know exactly how you feel. I'll say it again, though, I know the hurt and I know what you're saying, but I still feel there's someone out there for both of us. We just haven't met them yet.
 
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Miho

Active member
Messages
103
Thanks, but i doubt it. I can not help but be convinced people dont like me. And if you look for it there is always proof of it to be found.

Therapy today made me realise that every issue i have and all the problems i go through are being kept that way by myself. So its all my fault. Damn if i was a toy on a factory essembly line i would be binned without second thought.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Messages
979
Thanks, but i doubt it. I can not help but be convinced people dont like me. And if you look for it there is always proof of it to be found.

Therapy today made me realise that every issue i have and all the problems i go through are being kept that way by myself. So its all my fault. Damn if i was a toy on a factory essembly line i would be binned without second thought.

Nobody is perfect, that's why we all suffer through the so-called human condition ;).

As I said before, I'm sure you'll find someone, I still hold out the same hope for myself. There is light at the end of every tunnel, and there is hope to melt away any doubt, one just has to look for it. I'm not the right person to talk about that, given my own issues with myself, but it doesn't invalidate the point. We may self-deprecate, but we're still worth it at the end of the day.
 
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Miho

Active member
Messages
103
I can not sleep. I am going eound and round in my thoughts. I am such a terrible person. I am not worth anything. There is no point. I wish it was game over for me.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Messages
979
I can not sleep. I am going eound and round in my thoughts. I am such a terrible person. I am not worth anything. There is no point. I wish it was game over for me.
You're not a terrible person. Look at how you can managed to talk to me when I'm down and help pick me up. A terrible person doesn't do that. Try and focus on your projects, think of new things you want to work on there. You're doing so well with the projects, I really think that's going to go somewhere, and having that distraction will be a great help. I'm always here to talk, as always, but know that you're not a terrible person and you're doing so well, keep pushing forward!
 
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Miho

Active member
Messages
103
Sorry everyone, I have to take a break from this forum. I hope everyone will stay safe!
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Messages
979
Thanks, I would like that. But I am falling apart. To much is happening to mention here. I am trying but falling short :(
You know you can always come to me in my inbox with anything, I am always here if you need to talk!
 
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