So here's my first real attempt at a blog entry here, it's not going to be anything particularly revelational, it probably won't even be that interesting, and right now as I'm typing this I don't even know if I truly understand what it is I'm writing about. But I'm going to write this. I'm in the middle of one of my bad days, and I'm hoping I can shake myself out of it by typing about it. Normally I don't talk about this, I just put on my happy facade and leave the bad parts to myself, to deal with alone. The more I do that, the more I realize how I much I hate that. We all suffer, we all have bad times, and we all know those pains...so maybe I'll share this suffering a little bit.
I'm not even going to sit here, at the time I'm writing this sentence, and try to type it, I'm just going to leave this open throughout the day today and write what comes to mind. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't, maybe it's just rambling nonsense, and maybe it actually helps. I'm going to press submit at some point and see what's come out...
I'm feeling useless, absolutely worthless and as though I'm a waste of space. I look at myself in the mirror and want to destroy the thing staring back at me. I want the physical pain I feel every day to just leave me alone. I don't want to deal with my mother and her constant moods, and that makes me feel guilty because she needs me. I'm practically in tears because I need a friend, a companion, a relationship in my life right now and I have no one, I'm so alone. I can't do anything about that because of my mother, so I'm stuck being lonely. On my good days it doesn't bother me, I love my mother, I love taking care of her and I don't worry about me and my relationship needs or wants, but days like this I just want to hide away in a corner and be left alone, never to be found again because I don't have that someone I can goto.. I feel like sabotaging my diabetes, because why should I be in control of one thing when nothing else in my life is in control? Pathetic as it sounds outside of my head, inside it makes total sense.
She comes in to my room every 30 seconds, screams at me because she's upset and confused, goes and walks around the house pulling on every door she can find, and then comes back to scream at me again. Please. Please. Please. That word repeats over and over again like she's attached it to a question, a demand or a need, but no, just the word please, over and over and over again. Followed immediately by screaming and yelling because of what a horrible person I am to her. Good days, I can handle that, days like this, I want to be unconscious and not have people reach me. If I'm hanging on by that proverbial thread, it's down to less than the size of an atom. I want it to over, I want there to be no more anything, no pain, no dementia, no problems, no loneliness, no hopelessness, no anger, no doubt, no hurting, no twisted ideas or thoughts, no piece of garbage me, nothing. Take it away, take me away
She eats. She ate not long ago as I type this, but she's hungry again, so she's confused and angry again because she doesn't know how to tell me she's hungry. I give her food she loves, food she's loved all her life, and you'd think I'd covered it in poison the way she responds to it. I offer something else, she makes remarks about how useless I am. I leave her for 10 minutes, try again, she doesn't want it, she's not hungry, so she tries to feed it to the dog. I tell her not to feed that to the dog, it can make her sick. so she pushes the food aside completely and starts pacing around the house again. Calling me every name she can think of, names I've heard her say a few thousand times since this all started. Any other day, whatever, take it and move on. Today, just make it stop. I want to be left alone, but wherever I go she follows. She needs to. I need her to, for her safety. I'm sitting at my desk, typing, she's sitting in a chair across the room facing me, making childish remarks. It's grating. Is it bedtime yet? No, of course not. But soon! Soon she can goto bed and hopefully it'll last more than an hour this time. Then I can work on me things. Projects I'm involved in, projects I want to be involved in, forums I like to post in. Do I even want to do that tonight? I'm not sure, things have gone off the rails recently and I'm not sure I can handle it, no one needs me, anyway, I'm just a hanger-on...I'll help! But what do I actually do? Worthless.
It's still not bed time for her, but it's getting close. The day is winding down and I've got things to do around the house and things to get done once she's settled, so I'm going to stop this day-long trial. I don't know if it was worth it, all I did was ramble. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better after a bit of sleep. I'm sorry you had to read this, I'm sorry days like this exist and I wasted anyones' time with it, but tomorrow has to be better. Right?