Mental Illness When You Realize...Maybe You're Just A Horrible Person

Lee

Can't get enough...!
Community Leader
Hi Chris.

I know that it is hard to hear sometimes, but we can see you from a different perspective to yourself.

I don't see a horrible person. I see a kind, considerate man who is teetering dangerously close to the edge and in need of some time for himself. The fact that your mothers burden of care falls solely on your shoulders is neither right nor fair. How come when your family are home from work they are not helping care for your mother. She is their mother too!

I'm sorry if I am speaking out of place, or if they are helping and i'm mistaken - but I would absolutely expect my father and sister to step up and give me some respite on an evening, even if it were just once or twice a week so you can do things for yourself.

I have a friend who cared for his disabled brother every single day since he was 16 years old. He is now 33, had multiple nervous breakdowns and had to move away from the family home to make his own father step up and provide that care. Their mother died when they were young and unfortunately as his father needed to keep working, that care ultimately landed with him. But there is only so much you can do and for so long, before you make yourself unwell.

I'm sorry you are hurting and that you have such a low opinion of yourself, I related to that because I too think I am a horrible person. But I can see you from a different perspective and a horrible person would be as kind, caring and compassionate as you are.

You lost your temper. It happens. Hell, I have lost my temper with my children many times. It is what you do afterwards that makes you the man you want to be. Own up to it, apologize if you can and move on. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about it.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
Hi Chris.

I know that it is hard to hear sometimes, but we can see you from a different perspective to yourself.

I don't see a horrible person. I see a kind, considerate man who is teetering dangerously close to the edge and in need of some time for himself. The fact that your mothers burden of care falls solely on your shoulders is neither right nor fair. How come when your family are home from work they are not helping care for your mother. She is their mother too!

I had another visit from the woman who works for a local hospice and specializes in dementia care and support, and she again reiterated to me that my mother is so far progressed that she needs to be in a facility. We're looking at day facilities, we'll see how that goes, maybe it is the solution to give me a break and give her a better level of care. It terrifies me, but it also makes sense, so I'm divided.

I'm sorry if I am speaking out of place, or if they are helping and i'm mistaken - but I would absolutely expect my father and sister to step up and give me some respite on an evening, even if it were just once or twice a week so you can do things for yourself.

That's a problem for them, they're both working ridiculous hours because the companies they work for had to cut back during the worst parts of the pandemic and they both had to take on extra work, so even though they both work from home at present, they're both quite literally working most of the time they're awake. So it's me, and me alone, who can care for her.

I have a friend who cared for his disabled brother every single day since he was 16 years old. He is now 33, had multiple nervous breakdowns and had to move away from the family home to make his own father step up and provide that care. Their mother died when they were young and unfortunately as his father needed to keep working, that care ultimately landed with him. But there is only so much you can do and for so long, before you make yourself unwell.

I totally understand how he could have gotten so far as to have nervous breakdowns, absolutely. I'm also 33, but I've only been doing this for about 5 years, and I totally understand the feeling. I'd do the same but it would leave my father and sister in an impossible situation. I chose to stop working to take care of her five years ago, it's my responsibility.

As for making myself unwell, well...I sort of started out unwell, so it's hard to gauge, but I'm positive I haven't gotten better as a result of all of this.

I'm sorry you are hurting and that you have such a low opinion of yourself, I related to that because I too think I am a horrible person. But I can see you from a different perspective and a horrible person would be as kind, caring and compassionate as you are.

It's how I've always been, coincidentally thanks to my mother. She had a bad relationship with my father in the early days and that gave her a horrible opinion about men, and she spent most of my childhood grinding that opinion into me, as well. Making me feel terrible for having been born, for being born male, for not being a girl, and for the fact I was going to grow up to become a disgusting pig of a man. She told me more than once when I was a child she wished I hadn't been born so she didn't have to raise another man in this world. As I got older and she realized I wasn't going to turn into some chauvinistic devil she settled down and we grew very close and had a great relationship, but I've hated everything about myself ever since. Made me absolutely hate males for a long time, as well, and caused me to have a bit of both gender identity disorder (probably not the right term here, it wasn't that I wanted to be or was feminine in any way, I was very much still a typical boy growing up, I just wanted to not be male so my mother wouldn't hate me [though I openly admit that, as I've gotten older, if I were given the chance to try life as a woman, I'd do it...curiosity and all that, but again, I've grown to be comfortable as the male I am, even I still hate myself, personally]) and female envy. To this day I put women on a pedestal, far above me. I also have the problem of getting attached to women in person very quickly, combined with an inferiority complex because they're women and I'm...me. I eventually got over my own dislike for males when I gained male friends in high school and realized that, just as I wasn't turning out to be the devil my mother feared I would be, not all guys are disgusting sex-addicted pigs. So I grew to make male friends, though still associated easier with females, because that's what I grew up around, my dad wasn't back in the picture until I was 9 or so, so my most formative years were all spent around girls and women, all the time.

You lost your temper. It happens. Hell, I have lost my temper with my children many times. It is what you do afterwards that makes you the man you want to be. Own up to it, apologize if you can and move on. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about it.

With kids it's understandable, kids are kids and they do everything they can to push boundaries and take things as far as they possibly can. I have a good amount of patience in me, it's why a good amount of the people I know in my life come to me to tell me their problems. I can listen and not pass judgement, so I hear it all from everyone. It takes a lot for me to lose it, but lately it's been taking less and less, and I've never snapped at her since this all started, never once. She's 75, she's frail, she doesn't need that along with being scared and confused a lot of the time. That's what bothers me the most. I know this. I know better, but it still happened. That's not something a good person does.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

I'm not good at that part, even on my best days, I'm better off ignoring the "me" part of the equation altogether and just trying to focus on making sure she's fine. She is priority 1, not me and my nonsense.
 
M

Miho

Guest
There is one thing that I just realized. You are awesome in rationalizing everybody's behavior. Even if its not the best thing the other person could have done or if its hurting other people. Like your father and sister. As Lee also mentioned.
Ok they are busy with work. Lets say I was loaded with money and I offer you a job. Pays at least 1,5 times what your sister and father make. I am guessing you would decline because you are taking care of your mother.

You have double standards. There is everybody else. And there is you. And the sad part about the double standards is that you value yourself lower then everyone else. And because of this a lot of people will take advantage of you.

If i was a part of your family I would want to see everyone chip in vacation time and use that to take care of mum. So you can go on vacation or do whatever you would want for at least 6 weeks a year. That to me is the minimum.
I hate selfish people. But I hate the situation you are in more.

I am the last person to comment on the fact that you put women on a pedestal. I do the same. And in a way its not even that bad. But you dont just put them on a pedestal. You lift the pedestal up as well and the weight is crushing you.

You are always better with words then I am. But I have had my ex push every button with me. And I snapped. Its a normal reaction. So is getting angry or frustrated. But if you realy were a bad person. If your core being was that you are. Your internal PGen would not be fighting it. Then there would be complete acceptance and you would go through the motions with ease. I always said I am never angry. But in therapy I am learning that I can be angry but I hide it away.
Dont hide away.

One thing I was thinking while I read Lee's reaction was that if we started a band right now we have enough to form a band like Nirvana. A band filled with people that think they are horrible. But that 3 piece band would be a orchestra in no time.

You are not alone my friend.
 

Foxy

Community Helper
Community Helper
As a diabetic I know when one's blood sugars are out of whack it can cause severe mood swings. One can sink into deep, lethargic depression or become extremely agitated and angry. You need to take good care of your physical and emotional needs not only for your own good, but also for the sake of your Mom because you have taken on the role as her primary caregiver. It is in no way selfish of you to have some respite time to take care of your own physical and mental health needs. Being a caregiver to a loved one who is in such a deteriorated mental state is an all consuming task that can emotionally and physically drain even someone without their own health conditions to deal with. Your family needs to understand this and pitch in when you need a little time to take care of yourself. It does no one any good if you are overwhelmed to the point of becoming ill.
 

PGen98

I, Am I?
Community Leader
There is one thing that I just realized. You are awesome in rationalizing everybody's behavior. Even if its not the best thing the other person could have done or if its hurting other people. Like your father and sister. As Lee also mentioned.
Ok they are busy with work. Lets say I was loaded with money and I offer you a job. Pays at least 1,5 times what your sister and father make. I am guessing you would decline because you are taking care of your mother.

You're right, I wouldn't take it. I have to know my mother is taken care of, so as the one who quit working to be her caregiver, it's my responsibility to be the one to take care of her.

You have double standards. There is everybody else. And there is you. And the sad part about the double standards is that you value yourself lower then everyone else. And because of this a lot of people will take advantage of you.

I don't think I'll ever not view myself as being below everyone. I don't like me, I just can't help it, and so I put me last and worry about everyone else first. If that means people take advantage of me, that's ok, I probably deserve as much.

If i was a part of your family I would want to see everyone chip in vacation time and use that to take care of mum. So you can go on vacation or do whatever you would want for at least 6 weeks a year. That to me is the minimum.
I hate selfish people. But I hate the situation you are in more.

I don't deny I would love a day or so to just relax, play some video games, do me things. But there's no real chance for to happen, so it is what it is, sadly.

I am the last person to comment on the fact that you put women on a pedestal. I do the same. And in a way its not even that bad. But you dont just put them on a pedestal. You lift the pedestal up as well and the weight is crushing you.

That's probably true, I definitely don't think highly of myself and I do think a great deal about women. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to change that, it's just how I was raised. Women above, me below. I don't know how to think anything other than that.

You are always better with words then I am. But I have had my ex push every button with me. And I snapped. Its a normal reaction. So is getting angry or frustrated. But if you realy were a bad person. If your core being was that you are. Your internal PGen would not be fighting it. Then there would be complete acceptance and you would go through the motions with ease. I always said I am never angry. But in therapy I am learning that I can be angry but I hide it away.
Dont hide away.

Possibly, but if I were a good person I wouldn't have let it happen in the first place. I try to be decent, but I fail.

One thing I was thinking while I read Lee's reaction was that if we started a band right now we have enough to form a band like Nirvana. A band filled with people that think they are horrible. But that 3 piece band would be a orchestra in no time.

You are not alone my friend.

I appreciate that, and I do have to admit that chatting you with and with Lee a lot does make me feel better afterwards.

As a diabetic I know when one's blood sugars are out of whack it can cause severe mood swings. One can sink into deep, lethargic depression or become extremely agitated and angry. You need to take good care of your physical and emotional needs not only for your own good, but also for the sake of your Mom because you have taken on the role as her primary caregiver. It is in no way selfish of you to have some respite time to take care of your own physical and mental health needs. Being a caregiver to a loved one who is in such a deteriorated mental state is an all consuming task that can emotionally and physically drain even someone without their own health conditions to deal with. Your family needs to understand this and pitch in when you need a little time to take care of yourself. It does no one any good if you are overwhelmed to the point of becoming ill.

I can't ask them to stop working for me, though. That's their jobs, they're quite literally working the jobs of two or three people, so I have no right to expect them to stop in order to help me out. I'll see if maybe one of them can find some time so I can just have a little break, but I know they're both super busy and stressed out.
 
M

Miho

Guest
Just a fast remark about what you wrote to Foxy.
I can't ask them to stop working for me, though. That's their jobs, they're quite literally working the jobs of two or three people, so I have no right to expect them to stop in order to help me out. I'll see if maybe one of them can find some time so I can just have a little break, but I know they're both super busy and stressed out.
They would not stop working for you! They would do it to take care of their wife. Her mother.

You said you would like a day to do videogames or chill. Thats no where near to much to ask.
 

Foxy

Community Helper
Community Helper
I get that they have jobs, but an hour here, an hour there wouldn't overwhelm either of them. She is their wife and Mother too. If having her home is something they both want, then setting aside a little time to be with her after work or on the weekend shouldn't be considered a hardship but rather an act of love. The alternative, as I believe we discussed before, would be a respite center dedicated to Alzheimers patients where she can go for a few hours whenever you need a small break or a home attendant who can spend a few hours with her on a designated day(s). The main thing is you need to be strong and healthy for both of your sakes.
 

Dave

Member
Are you a horrible person for wanting a life for yourself? No!
Are you a horrible person for wanting a little respite? No!
Are you a horrible person because things get on top of you and you blow your stack? No!
Are you a horrible person for wanting your siblings to help out more? No!
Are you a horrible person because you snap back and retaliate against frustrations? No!
Are you a horrible person because you care for your mother? No!

Just because you are human with human needs and frailties doesn't make you a horrible person.

I've stood where you are standing right now and I've done most of what you have done and acted in a similar way. Hindsight is filled with regrets. 'Could I have done more?' 'Should I have acted the way I did?' 'Could I have done better?' - the answer is perhaps, but the now where you are at with the benefit of hindsight is not where you were at the time of the events that took place.

You're doing an admirable and often thankless job caring for your mother and shouldering all of the burden so your siblings can work, but I would say this to them the next time you have a family meet up together 'Is work more important than looking after mum and what would you do if I collapsed from exhaustion and you need to pick up the reins whilst I recover?' I don't doubt that they have work to do, but they can put that to one side, each of them, for a little while to give you a break. Be firm that you need some space to recharge your batteries.

I didn't have anyone to fall back on, but I was strong enough to keep things together. I fell foul of all the guilt things that you have mentioned, but we're not mechanical robots that can work without respite. Think of thinking of yourself for a change is actually thinking about how you can help your mum more. Never beat yourself up as that just makes you feel worse. Having said that, I still have moments now when I think back and wonder, but I shake those thoughts off because where I am now is a totally different place to where I was back then.

Give yourself some credit and a pat on the back for stepping up to the plate and being there for your mum and your siblings and for being human.
 
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